Clay and Buck

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Jesse Kelly: “I Won’t Live a Lie. Turkey Sucks!”

24 Nov 2021

BUCK: We’ve got a friend calling in from the road, syndicated host Jesse Kelly of the Jesse Kelly Show, of our own iHeartMedia. He’s driving somewhere, and he’s got a controversial turkey take he wants to share with everybody. Mr. Kelly, I’m just telling you, man, we cannot be held responsible for these backlash against your turkey comments.

KELLY: It’s not controversial, Buck. I’m tired of living a lie. I won’t live a lie anymore, and I don’t want other people to live lies. The truth is turkey sucks. And everybody listening right now — and I know it’s probably the biggest audience in America — knows I’m right. If you don’t, you’re about to know I’m right. Everybody who is listening goes into a restaurant at least five times a year, 55 times a year, depending how often you go out.

How many listening right now to the sound of my voice have walked into a restaurant with endless options on the menu and ordered turkey? Never once! Not one person has done it. Why? Because it sucks. You have endless options. If it’s so good, if it’s so special, why don’t you order it in restaurants? You don’t. You eat turkey on Thanksgiving because of some weird tradition thing. You can honor the Pilgrims or Indians or whatever without eating dried-out meat. It’s supposed to be a special meal. Get something truly special, not something that tradition tells you is special.

CLAY: This is so controversial, Buck. I don’t know what’s more controversial. You came out against rolls on Thanksgiving dinner, and now you called in to be against turkey. I don’t know if this show will be back on the air on Monday after all the hate.

BUCK: Clay is staying above the culinary.

CLAY: I’m trying to stay above. Jesse, I’m curious, have you ever had a Honey Baked Ham or a Honey Baked Turkey? Are you familiar with that brand?

KELLY: I am familiar with that brand. I used to live two miles from one. So I have had both. Again, Honey Baked, the store itself is wonderful, at least in my experience with it. I ate a lot of hams from there, and I understand all the different ways to make turkey, Clay. This is what people do, though. They’ll be like, “You’ve never had my grandma’s Cajun-injected, deep-fried turkey wrapped in bacon.” I could take a dirty jockstrap and wrap it in bacon, and it would taste good. That doesn’t make turkey good.

BUCK: The man has a point.

CLAY: I eat a turkey sandwich every day. So I may be the most pro-turkey man on the planet here, and this outrage… Frankly, frankly I can feel William Bradford — I think his first name was William — rolling over in his grave right now over this call.

BUCK: Because, Jesse, we haven’t affected enough palates yet. On green bean casserole, where do you stand?

KELLY: I don’t eat vegetables, Buck, because I’m not a rabbit. On Thanksgiving Day, I’ll be eating tenderloin and Fettuccine Alfredo and Red lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits and I’m going to finish that off with homemade berry cobbler with homemade ice cream on top. Now everybody tell me if that meal sounds better than your turkey and cranberry sauce.

CLAY: I will say this: Cobbler is the best dessert that’s ever been created, in my opinion. What’s the best cobbler? Blackberry cobbler, in my humble opinion, the best dessert that’s ever created.

BUCK: I think we can end on a note of coming together on that one. I like cobbler too, Mr. Jesse Kelly. Check out the Jesse Kelly Show, 6 to 9, syndicated on iHeartMedia. Thank you, Jesse. Have a great Thanksgiving.

KELLY: Be good. Happy Thanksgiving.

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